4/28/2017 – general updates, ponderations

It’s April 28, 2017. I know I don’t need to iterate that, since it’s probably everywhere on the screen, but it’s glaring at me. I have only published twice in the last year, and less than 10 in the last two.

I miss blogging. I miss writing. I miss having more time to myself. But a lot has changed in such a short amount of time.

One minute, I’m grabbing a coffee on my way to class, thinking about graduation and getting excited for my wedding. The next, I’m grabbing a coffee so I can handle the day alone with my 7 month old little girl; my husband at his job in D.C.

I think about frames of mind quite a bit, how your daily experience shapes who you are and how you perceive everything around you.

I see the busybody grad student and think, “I wish I could go back there, so many dreams! So many possibilities.”

Now two years later I see her at the grocery store, baby in one arm and a shopping basket in the other. I see that she’s there during work hours and unbeknownst to everyone around, she actually does have a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree. But maybe that’s not obvious with her mismatched hijab, trousers, over-sized blouse and casual Nikes. Oh, and bouncing, relentless baby.

But I don’t give myself enough credit. I’m taking care of three, sometimes four or five other people. I cook, I clean. I tolerate. I’m not just a holder of proofs of education. I carried a baby for 9 months, often painfully and in sickness. I had that baby cut out of me unexpectedly one night, but she was still perfect. All 5 pounds, 8 oz of her. She is still perfect, even though her mother might not be.

I went through post-partum depression. A battle I still fight peripherally with anti-depressants and a variety of obsessions (oh, there have been plenty…lipstick, crochet, and iced coffee).

I take pains not to let my daughter look at screens so much, but hilariously, I’m always surrounded by them myself. Imagine telling your child to be quiet and look away, while you desperately seek escapism through your Instagram feed. Try telling your mother and father in law not to let the baby watch Television, while you plan to catch up on a Netflix show later on. Go on, laugh at me trying to cling to my habits and motherhood at once, I’ve done it. Then I’ve shrugged helplessly and continued on.

It’s a mad juggle, honestly. You can cook a perfect meal, do the dishes, some cleaning, and do laundry later. Or you can do laundry now, make a somewhat decent supper, do the dishes, and save the rest for later. You can sleep when the baby sleeps, or you can use that time to do something for yourself. You can go to bed early and be energized for whatever life has for you the next day, InshAllah, or you can watch a movie with your husband. But you can’t really compromise on being a mother.

That’s 24/7, 365 glorious, exhausting, completely incredible days of the year, InshAllah.

 

 

 

Excitement!

whoa! what was that an exclamation point?

YOU BET IT WAS.

from June 19 – July 17 I will be in and around Edinburgh, Scotland visiting my awesome cousins!!! INSHALLAH!!

buahahahaha

I just booked my tickets last night, and I’m really excited because I’ll be traveling with my little sister, inshAllah.

IT’S GOING TO BE AN ADVENTURE.

INSHALLAH.

 

Image

My Little Sister’s Art

My Little Sister's Art

My 13 year old sister made this. Isn’t it incredible?
It’s all 3-D and cool and has different dimensions to it. I loved it so much I asked her if I could keep it, and taped it immediately to my wall.
She’s not getting it back! muahaha

I Want to be a Mom.

I love babies.

Tonight, at the dinner party, I realized just how much I want kids in the future inshAllah.

It’s a bit of a fruitless dream right now, since I don’t really have anyone in my life right now who wants to make that happen with me, and I don’t know if I ever will have that. Allahu Allam. The past 5 months have held such emotional turmoil that I feel like I can’t take much more heartache. I need a miracle, ya Allah.

But tonight, the house was filled with laughing children and babies. And everyone seemed so at home. Literally, people laughed, cried, held serious conversations, made new friends. SubhanAllah. I love that people feel this way in our home. Someone told me that only Allah can bring that to a household. Not furniture, or a good interior design, not good food, or party games. Just blessings from Allah that the guests you invite enter your house feeling welcome, and leave feeling like they’ve just been fed and entertained by family. SubhanAllah.

Do you realize what a blessing it is to have people love you and your family and want to spend time with you and yours ?Any idea at all? Once you realize that what Allah has given you (blessings), whether it be wealth, a house, brains, wit, etc, ALL OF THAT…once you realize that all of these things are also TOOLS to gain MORE reward from Allah, and you use these tools exactly for that purpose…WOW!! Amazing things happen, man!! SubhanAllah. What you have been given by Allah, is also for you to share, for the sake of Allah!

Anyway, back to babies…there were three. 2 baby girls and 1 baby boy.

One baby girl didn’t cry at all, the other baby girl was fussy, and the baby boy cried every single time he was even an inch away from his mother, subhanAllah.

My attention was entirely focused on the silent baby. Part of me wanted to go and mingle with my friends who came, but a bigger part of me just wanted to make sure the baby I held in my arms was comfortable…and…just cuz I wanted to hold her and play with her and make her laugh.

For a few hours tonight, I was inseparable with my friend’s 13 month old daughter. She had dark eyes, I couldn’t tell if they were dark blue or just brown, I was too focused on her adorable smile and chubby cheeks. I kissed her so much on those cheeks of hers that by the end of the night they were red!!

I honestly didn’t think the little tot would become attached to me. She was so quiet and poker-faced that I was actually intimidated at first. But, after learning her language and smiling at her repetitively, I gained her trust. And it wasn’t soon after that, that she started to hang on to me, not wanting me to let her go. Every time I set her down on the floor, she would try to crawl back up into my arms. Whenever someone took her from me, she would lean towards me with her arms outstretched in a soundless plea, subhanAllah

Soon, she would smile whenever I would come back to her after talking with friends. And it wasn’t very long afterwards that I started to feel like I was hogging the baby from her own mother! Although, I’m sure she didn’t mind. She needed the break to eat in peace and catch up, I’m sure.

Another odd thing I do want to mention is that my maternal “instincts” were outta control tonight. There were so many babies and children, and so many things they could bump into or trip over, stairs that they could fall down, hot drinks that they could grab and burn themselves with. Left and right, left and right, I was jumping in front of toddlers to stop them from going down the stairs alone, grabbing their tiny little limbs to stop them from falling or grabbing something dangerous, gasping and not paying attention to what people were saying because I was distracted by a baby playing with a folding chair.

A baby. With a folding chair. Folding chair. Weird metal thing that folds near soft fleshy baby.

WTH NO.

Ok so maybe I’m a little paranoid. And maybe it would be different if it were my baby. Actually, it WOULD be. My baby’s not going near any damn folding chair. Or chairs. Or styrofoam cup. Or stairs. Or forks. Or wooden toys. Or brick walls. Or walls. Or sidewalks. Or concrete. Or ice cubes. Or carrot sticks. Or cats. Or potato chips. Or McDonalds. Or wheels. Or shoes. Or the kitchen.

Ok imma stop.

I realized tonight how difficult being a mother is. How crazy would you be if the tiny chubby cute-fest that you birthed was running around near basement stairs and drawers filled with knives? Let alone going to school by herself in later years?

I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it. But it just makes me want to have children more.

You really do need to be a woman to understand what I’m feeling right now. Whenever I’m out in public and hear a baby cry, I find myself looking alertly in the direction of the sound. I just want kids so badly.

If I never get married and I’m making enough money, I would adopt, inshAllah.

I know all you moms are like “damn, she’s naive.”

I’m not. I know all the ups and downs, the emotional and physical roller-coasters. The terror in raising your child in today’s world (for me, at least).

But, man, it’s worth it. I took care of my youngest sister when she was a baby, I still sort of take care of her. Watching her grow up has been probably one of the most interesting and fascinating parts of my life.

It also, however, has taught me the value of patience and good parenting skills. And how easily children can adopt a bad habit or quality from you.

I heard a funny proverb about this in Indonesia. “Orang-tua kencing berdiri, anak-anak kencing lari.” I’m unsure if the Indonesian is correct or not (I think I’m forgetting it 😦 ) It means “Parent pees standing, children pee running.”

Basically, if a parent has a bad habit, their children will become influenced by it, sometimes in an even worse way.

It makes me think a lot about how I want my kids to see me. Not as a doormat. Not as a tyrannical figure. Not as someone to fear.

I want my children to look at me and just be happy I’m their mom. I want to set a good example for my kids. I don’t want them to be embarrassed if I kiss them in front of their friends, because I damn well will!

I guess, it all can be summed up like this.

I want my children to love me and look at me they way I love and look at my mom.

I’ll never get embarrassed if my mom kisses me or hugs me in front of my friends. I’ll never let anyone disrespect her (watch out if you do). I’m starting to realize just how much she’s done for me, and just how much I really, truly, love her.

I love you, mom ❤

May Allah forgive all of your sins, send you Angels to pray for you, make Qiyamat easy and full of shade for you, and give you Jannat Al Firdaus, and give you Papa as your eternal spouse in Jannah, because I’ve never seen a man who loves his wife more than Papa loves you, mashAllah. Ameen.