Desperate Purple

I finished the day with yearning,

Wished the day stretched further,

The violent orange glow and

desperate purples of the sky screaming, reaching

for another breath as the night yawned awake

and smoored the fires of day.

I remember, my head against the pillow,

my hands reaching to clasp some far-off dream.

So content in sleep, so self-absorbed in wakefulness

So conscious somewhere in between.

I remember myself so vividly.

As vivid as the excuses I made for problems I should not have had,

As vivid as the pure emotion that drove my decisions from day to dark.

I loved my beauty, whatever of it I owned, I loved my mind, for it was vast and filled with

enchantment.

I loved the small blooms of wisdom that grew there, that I would pick and share with others.

And so I am unclear, uncertain as to why

this dark, thick fog has descended.

Settled neatly between my confidence and optimism,

Smothering with its full weight upon what defines me.

What I could have been.

Nesha Usmani

April 23, 2015

Loss & Gain

Oh, this world of folded curtains

it hides its secrets well.

What once you thought was certain,

now, you cannot tell.

For simple things my heart is glad,

One God, One Truth, One Will

It guides me through the darkness,

And keeps my demons still.

Provokes tears of wonder,

of shame, of hope, of regret

Everyday makes me stronger,

And pinches when I forget.

Makes itself into a compass,

When I’m blinded by the pain,

Heals the wounds with reminders,

Turns the losses into gain.

Oh, this world of folded fabric,

This world of lies and pain.

You are nothing but a test

You are loss without gain.

 

Nesha Usmani

Prozac

Through the pain of loss

and the frustration of the heart

my body has developed a fondness for sleep

the depths of which go beyond simple

repose,

traversing into addiction,

lulling the body into a state of

constant exhaustion

despite sustenance

despite wakefulness,

and despite activity.

Constantly craving to succumb

into a dark abyss of sensory blindness,

in which I neither see, nor feel

nor hear,

nor dream.

And which, upon waking,

I half-heartedly reason that my sleep

was not a peaceful one (as a reason for its length),

when in reality,

The abyss in which I know nothing,

is the realm in which I wish to stay.

(astaughfirullah)

Nesha