I wish you knew how alone I am.

Decisions don’t come easy to me.

I get lost so often in emotions

and I’m drowning in my history.

I want you involved in my life!

I want you to be hopeful and know

that I can be both, one day,

a good daughter and mother, a good wife.

I don’t know all the ways I hurt you.

I seek refuge in Allah for things I’ve done.

But, meet me halfway, try to understand,

I’m scared that one day, for your sake,

I’ll pack my things and run.

I try to do the best I can everyday.

Your words are a burden in my heart,

They remind me of the price I’ve paid

when I broke your heart.

To you I’m strange and restless,

To me, I’m the same.

To you, I’m lost in the riptide of wanting.

To me, I’m a shame.

I hope you never know my tears.

The way I’ve struggled and wept.

Don’t you get it?

I know I’m to blame.

The weight of it all isn’t lost on me.

I know the difference between regret and shame.


Nesha Usmani

One thought on “Riptide

  1. Great stuff, sis. MashaAllah. Sombre and heartfelt. Often we feel, very, very alone (but we are Never alone – I know, you know). This is (to me) a poem to capture the mood, the thought processes, the feeling (of hurt) – whether real or not. I understand.

    Sometimes we feel ‘lost’, sometimes we feel like we’re ‘drowning’. But we’d beg Allah to live again in a harsher context, if we knew the positive value of our pain… Just think…

    A ‘sea of troubles’? Riptide? Yes, let us ‘take up arms’ and rip the tides…

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