Riptide

I wish you knew how alone I am.

Decisions don’t come easy to me.

I get lost so often in emotions

and I’m drowning in my history.

I want you involved in my life!

I want you to be hopeful and know

that I can be both, one day,

a good daughter and mother, a good wife.

I don’t know all the ways I hurt you.

I seek refuge in Allah for things I’ve done.

But, meet me halfway, try to understand,

I’m scared that one day, for your sake,

I’ll pack my things and run.

I try to do the best I can everyday.

Your words are a burden in my heart,

They remind me of the price I’ve paid

when I broke your heart.

To you I’m strange and restless,

To me, I’m the same.

To you, I’m lost in the riptide of wanting.

To me, I’m a shame.

I hope you never know my tears.

The way I’ve struggled and wept.

Don’t you get it?

I know I’m to blame.

The weight of it all isn’t lost on me.

I know the difference between regret and shame.

 

Nesha Usmani

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One thought on “Riptide

  1. Great stuff, sis. MashaAllah. Sombre and heartfelt. Often we feel, very, very alone (but we are Never alone – I know, you know). This is (to me) a poem to capture the mood, the thought processes, the feeling (of hurt) – whether real or not. I understand.

    Sometimes we feel ‘lost’, sometimes we feel like we’re ‘drowning’. But we’d beg Allah to live again in a harsher context, if we knew the positive value of our pain… Just think…

    A ‘sea of troubles’? Riptide? Yes, let us ‘take up arms’ and rip the tides…
    🙂

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