I wish you knew how alone I am.
Decisions don’t come easy to me.
I get lost so often in emotions
and I’m drowning in my history.
I want you involved in my life!
I want you to be hopeful and know
that I can be both, one day,
a good daughter and mother, a good wife.
I don’t know all the ways I hurt you.
I seek refuge in Allah for things I’ve done.
But, meet me halfway, try to understand,
I’m scared that one day, for your sake,
I’ll pack my things and run.
I try to do the best I can everyday.
Your words are a burden in my heart,
They remind me of the price I’ve paid
when I broke your heart.
To you I’m strange and restless,
To me, I’m the same.
To you, I’m lost in the riptide of wanting.
To me, I’m a shame.
I hope you never know my tears.
The way I’ve struggled and wept.
Don’t you get it?
I know I’m to blame.
The weight of it all isn’t lost on me.
I know the difference between regret and shame.