Bismillahi Ar Rahmani Ar Rahim
No, I’m not getting married.
But, it seems to be the season for engagements, weddings, and pregnancies. Just in time for Spring.
I went to a surprise bridal shower (that’s where I got the henna done) this past Saturday for one of my long-time girlfriends who will be getting married in May, inshAllah.
May Allah make their marriage successful and fruitful, Ameen.
The all-girls event lasted around 4 hours and the girls there were almost all Muslim. They were so beautiful, mashAllah. Dressed to the nines, sparkling hijabs and dresses everywhere you looked.
There was even a Turkish dance troupe that had been invited and performed some cultural dances, all in modest clothing. While the event wasn’t necessarily my taste, with very loud music and very boisterous dancers in a slightly cramped setting, I had fun catching up with old friends.
It made me relive some very painful memories, however. Alhamdulillah, I don’t feel envy or jealousy towards any of the lovely Muslimahs around me who are getting married. May Allah give them all blissful, successful, fruitful marriages, Ameen. What I do feel, and can’t help but feeling, is whether or not I’ll ever have what they have. Allahu Allam.
There’s a certain, indelible fear inside of me that I have a difficult time dealing with. I fear that I have too much baggage to ever be able to settle down with anyone or make them satisfied, let alone feel any affection towards me.
Not sure if others are in the same boat or have been, but more often than not I find myself subconsciously preparing for a life without a partner.
And you know, if that is what Allah wants for me, I’ll find a way to come to terms with it, inshAllah.
But it scares me to death, if I’m honest about it.
The correct thing to do, as usual, is to seek refuge in Allah and trust that whatever He has written for me is the best for me. To give Allah my pain and pray He turns it into blessings, pray He removes my sins and brings me peace, inshAllah.
Another quote by the lovely Yasmin Mogahed:
You know you really love someone, when out of all the people you could be with in jennah…you just want to be with them.
When I was younger, I felt that my heart was a bottomless well of love. That the person I loved would never have to fear my affections running out, never have to fear me being disloyal or losing interest. That the person I loved was the person I would want to be with in Jannah (Heaven).
So much time has passed since then. So many things have changed and many people have been removed from my life. My priorities, worldviews, and attitude changed.
Some people might call me a weak person. Others have told me I’m one of the strongest people they’ve ever met. To be honest, I don’t know. Allahu Allam: Allah knows best.
What I do know is that my heart still feels like that bottomless well. But, lately, the more I’ve dipped into it, the more pain I feel. The more disheartened I get. In my last post on my other blog, By the Fig and the Olive, I talked about letting go and trusting Allah.
This is the hardest thing to let go of. Do I let go of the person my love belongs to…or do I let go of “love”? Or is it both?
How do I deal with the love I feel as well as the fear that comes with it?
This is the test, I guess. Allahu Allam.
I don’t want to be dragged down by it. I want to be elevated by it. I want to show Allah that I’m capable of passing any test He gives me, because I seek refuge in Him, in everything.
It doesn’t mean though, that it’s easy. Doesn’t mean I don’t often find myself in emotional and spiritual pain because of it.
I get a pang of guilt and pain whenever my mother talks about me getting married.
I feel like telling her, “Mom, I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me.”
And then I can feel that child in my dreams cry out in protest. The daughter or son I’ve always wanted but scared I’ll never have.
I think that’s the worst pain of all.
I just pray, inshAllah, that in the future, a few years from now, I’ll be reading this post and I’ll laugh and shake my head at how silly I was.
And then I’ll hold my baby girl to my chest and call my husband to tell him I love him.