A Foot on the Threshold (re-post)

For my own reasons, I’ve decided to publish my first post again.

I think it’s a good way to reiterate how I feel at the moment, and to also sort of set up a new beginning for the blog. All the past blogs still have their importance, especially the TOMS shoes blog post.

I also want to say that I’m coming up on an important crossroads. I’ll be graduating, God-willing, in August from University, and the new tagline on my blog says it all.

I am indeed struggling with the liminality (I swear this is a word) between University and Reality.

So here ’tis, with a few edits.

A confession:  I’ve done this before. I’ve sat on my bed with my laptop and have tried to emulate my favorite writers.

‘If I were Tolkien, what kind of world would I be bringing life to?’ ‘If I were Tennyson, how would I bring beauty to heartache?’

‘If I were Robert Herrick, what would be in my hock-cart?’ And so on, and so forth.

One thing I haven’t done in years is sit in bed and really get myself right. I’ve never thought, hey, I am Nesha Usmani, so, let’s write about what she’s thinking. I haven’t given myself that sort of respect since high school. And I haven’t been honest about it.

When it comes to honesty to others, I’m all for that. I do the best I can to be honest to the people I love. However, when it comes to myself, I have a hard time doing it. My Facebook status is as far as I get.

“Nesha Usmani is ANGRY AT BLANK. BLAHHHH EXPLETIVE BLAHHH”

I cannot explain to you…how aggravating it is to translate emotion to truth. In a sense, it is terrifying and humiliating. I am bottled up with so many feelings and thoughts, so much restlessness. I want to do so much! But I am so afraid to do it, I don’t even know where to begin. Finding myself, although cliché, has become more important than ever.

I have my friends. I have my family. I have my faith in God. I’m a senior in college with dreams. I have everything I never want to lose.

And yet my hands feel empty because my back is burdened with everything I am not giving myself.

I need an adventure.

I need to break away.

I need to do it without losing the people I love.

And I need to come out victorious.

I’m hoping I will be successful because something needs to change. I want to wake up in the morning and do more than go to class and do homework. More than watch TV on my laptop, mindlessly watching others live their lives instead of living my own.

So…

Hello, I’m Nesha…and I’m looking for an adventure. If you’re interested, you’re welcome to follow me here. If you get inspired, that would totally inspire me. I find inspiration through others as well. I love having my eyes opened and my heart moved by another person’s experiences.

But I’ve realized that I need to inspire myself, now.

And this is for me, ultimately. This is mine.  And, if you’re in the same situation,  I encourage you to get your own.

Adventure, I mean.

Bilbo said

Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or a secret gate…”

So here I am. A foot on the threshold, going out the door, and I wanna find that gate.

:)

Nesha.

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